The Purses

The Purses

When Rivergirl has too much time on her hands and the medication starts to wear off Osiris is very concerned. His beloved employer, kind and forgiving man that he is, is actually considering allowing his aged and slightly dotty personal assistant, Rivergirl, to attend the Tulsa con.

"Boss," Osiris pleads, "remember the Czechs; remember the cheques; remember the chicks! And remember the seagulls! How can you even think of letting her anywhere near you?"

"It'll be okay, man," Himself assures him. "You've got to lighten up. Let her be. Remember the power is in being."

Osiris is convinced that Rivergirl stopped becoming a long time ago and has been coasting down the wrong side of the hill in neutral for years. However, Himself explains that Rivergirl will not be in charge of making the arrangements for anything in Tulsa. In fact, his sole reason for including her in the trip (aside from his kind and forgiving nature) is because she always carries an old lady purse with at least 25 compartments in it. She will be able to carry all the pens he needs to sign autographs plus spare batteries for the mic. and the arrangements for his singing debut. "Besides," Himself says, "I fear complacency more than I fear one aged and slightly dotty old woman. And one can never become complacent around Rivergirl!"

Osiris is still concerned. While he would hesitate to call his beloved employer naïve, Osiris is very concerned.

Rivergirl is ecstatic! Her beloved employer (such a nice young man) is going to give her another chance. He is actually going to take her to the Tulsa con. And this time she promises to pay attention and think of the consequences -- and make sure no birds get anywhere near Himself.

Rivergirl realizes that there are going to be many fans at the Tulsa con; fans who were not pleased when their star was kidnapped by a scratchy, spitty poultry farmer or when he was attacked by a frenzied flock of famished feathers. Rivergirl realizes that she will have to do something beyond touching up her blue rinse in order to
impress the KHCMBers, and she decides that a whole new outfit is in order. Later, while she is sorting out what things she will take in her new, stylishly small purse, she tries to remember her beloved employers ontological presupposition -- "The power is in the beans," she says, not having a clue what it means. (Gentle Reader --
this is not my fault. Someone on another thread mentioned lactose intolerance and…)

Rivergirl is up early on the big day. She organizes her lace handkerchief, her compact, and 3 cans of beans in her lovely new purse. But then she begins to worry. What if she's misunderstood, and Himself actually wanted her to bring the stuff in the envelope he gave her when he told her she was coming to Tulsa? The obvious solutions is to bring both purses. And then the moment arrives. There are all the
KHCMBers, with their well thought out questions, helping each other to stand. They look so good in their t-shirts with matching knee and elbow pads (in case of a sudden
THUD). There is Osiris, glaring at her, warningly. And there is Himself, smiling pleasantly, asking for the batteries, the arrangements and the pens. It's all too much
for Rivergirl, and she forgets which compartment holds what -- she simply hands her beloved employer both purses and runs away from Osiris's disapproval.

"I tried to warn you, boss," says Osiris. "She's gotten you into another mess."

Himself reacts with unexpected enthusiasm. "Ha! Remember, what I said about complacency? We always wanted to test ourselves against the purse -- and now wehave two!"

Chapter - good grief another one?

Rivergirl is sitting despondently in a darkened room. She's turning a red and white,
wallet-sized card over and over in her hands and muttering quietly to herself, "AARP?
AARP? I should know what that means, but…" Her fear is, of course, that she got the letters mixed up and they actually stand for Really Awful Personal Assistant. She knows that, given her track record to date, this is a strong possibility.

Suddenly her beloved employer comes into the room, carrying the two purses she dumped on him during her most recent crisis. Being the kind and understanding person that he is, and recognizing that Rivergirl is even more incoherent than usual, he sits down -- neither too near, nor too comfortably, as he still hasn't entirely recovered from the seagull incident, and he has learned that he should always remain alert when he's around Rivergirl.

Rivergirl turns to her beloved employer, her eyes large and filling with tears. "African American Republican Party? But I don't think I look Republican, do I? Maybe it's Atrociously Autocratic Royal Personage, but I don't think so. Dianequeenofstuff and QueenTiye are the only royalty I know, and they're both such gentle and gracious girls -- not autocratic at all.

This confuses Himself totally, but he still wants to treat the old girl gently. "My lady," he says, "I imagine that in all your years, no one has ever accused you of coherence.
You're an absolutely adorable river person, but I really have no idea what you're going on about!" Himself is beginning to experience the intellectual quicksand feeling that comes from listening to his appallingly addlepated research person.

"It might have something to do with work," says Rivergirl. "Perhaps it stands for Andromeda Ascendant Rules Programming? Or maybe Absolutely Anybody Receives Presents -- I know Pippi and those other sweet Mbers wanted to give you a t-shirt.
But you're not just anybody, are you, Sir? You're always allowed repeat posts. It's just," she sighs, "that I feel I should know. I know everyone thinks my mind is gone, but I can almost feel a thought itching to get out."

"Well then," her beloved employers says, smiling gently,

"it's not really gone, is it."


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